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Breaking
Up and Relationship Breakup Advice
Articles
Breakups & Relationship Articles -
Enjoy these articles, all intended to help you get over a breakup and feel
better today!
BREAKUPS, HONESTY AND A SANE
MIND
Copyright, Henry Velez 1996-2001. For more articles on love, romance,
breakups, divorce and dating. Visit
www.LifeGoesOn.net
Breakups are tough. They aren't
all that tough when little is invested. But when there have been any seeds
of hope or kindness sown into a relationship.. to see it grow for a time
and then watch it pass away, it's tough. I say this in the aftermath of a
recent breakup of my own. But after all the final things have been said,
after some time has passed and the emotions have settled down.. there comes
a decision to do one of two things. The choice is one that is very difficult
to discern at first and sometimes very hard to look at. But it comes with
its own reward. What I refer to is simply honesty.
Typically during and after a breakup
each side goes to its own friends and family with the version of what they
saw and heard as the cause. But much like interviewing two winesses to the
same auto accident, the versions of what happened are rarely in agreement.
But in the end, after the initial furor is over and it becomes an old topic..
it is ourselves we must lie down to bed with. We can tell our friends and
family, "It was all their fault.. I did all I could.". If that is the truth
then we sleep well, though with a pain in our heart over the loss. But when
it is not true and, though we are not able to be honest with others, it would
be our greatest crime against our own selves to believe our own
mistruths.
Some people believe in 'ying-yang', 'what
goes around comes around' or 'you only reap what you sow'. Different expressions
for much the same thing. In life we can't steal two apples from a bag of
a dozen.. lie to ourselves about taking them and then truly expect to find
a dozen apples the next time we open the bag. There's both a comfort and
a warning in this.
Perhaps you've been in a relationship
and truly did try to salvage it with your best efforts to give the type of
love you hoped to receive in return. But instead your kindnesses were rewarded
with harshness. Your giving was rewarded with unthankfulness or perhaps your
encouragement was rewarded with criticism. Now, after the breakup you explain
to your friends what happened and you go on in your life. Take comfort in
knowing that when your love was put to the test that you did the best you
could under difficult conditions. You didn't return wrong for wrong.. you
gave love even when love wasn't given in return. There is no greater test
of love than this. You may have failed at given times, but if your overall
reserve was to remain a loving person to your mate.. you have done all that
is humanly possible and being freed from such a bad situation is your freedom,
not your loss.
However, should it happen to be that
you were truly in the wrong and did not give the love in return that was
given you, (and here I speak of relationships which are mutually enterred
into.. not one-sided infatuations), then there is a warning in this whole
'apple theory'. A person may spread their fabricated story and it may be
beleived by their friends and family wholeheartedly. People have believed
lies before, it is not uncommon. But eventually the topic of the week moves
on to something else and a person is then left to live with themselves. By
lying to ourselves we do ourself wrong in several areas.
First we live in fear that our friends
will one day discover that what we said was a total fabrication. But this
is only the beginning. For if we cannot sit down alone and in silent humility
admit that certain areas of a failed relationship were our own fault.. then
we sentence ourselves to continue in those faults and suffer from them again
in the future. If we were overly-demanding, or critical, or whatever it may
be.. by denying it is in us we only guarantee we will do the same thing in
our next relationship. And it will produce the same results.
So what is it that causes all of us to
be tempted with taking such a path of denial? It is nothing more or less
than the oldest frailty of the human race... our pride. But even if we can't
admit our wrongdoing to our former lover, or to our closest friends, if we
can't be honest in even the slightest public way (which is a very sad thing
indeed), then our final resolve should be to be honest with
ourselves.
As I mentioned before, it may be that
you were the person who truly did do all that could be done to patiently
love and give in ways perhaps beyond what you had thought yourself possible.
And when you have been only abused and criticised in return it is the most
immediate reaction to feel cheated, hurt and angry. But as I mentioned with
the stolen apples, let your consolation be that if someone has taken advantage
of your kindnesses and then gone on to deny their part in it.. it is not
you who was finally cheated. If they go on to spread lies about you and the
relationship, console yourself in the truth and take only what blame is yours
to bear. Nothing more, nothing less.
If virtue is its own reward then it is
safe to say that vice is its own punishment. Do not allow yourself to think
that there is something wrong or naive about wanting to have a love that
gives outwardly to others. Do not allow yourself to be tempted with the cynical,
hard approach to life that mutters, "All men are abusers." or "All women
are hard-hearted." Do not sit and try to make sense of why your goodness
was rewarded with scorn, for you will only weary yourself and embitter your
own heart. Instead the very best thing you could do for yourself and your
own sanity is to truly forgive that other person for their wrongdoing.. admit
to any mistakes of your own and continue on with your life a little wiser
for the experience.
Love, by definition, requires that we
make ourselves vulnerable. Loving someone who loves us in return is the only
thing I consider beautiful in this strange world of ours. But as it is said,
"Nothing ventured, nothing gained." True, we should choose our adventures
with caution, but risk will always be a factor. Sometimes we get hurt or
decieved, but if in the end we find someone who is of a same giving heart
and takes joy in loving us as we do them... then the preservation of a kind
heart will be its own reward.
By Henry Velez
Editor; www.InTruth.net \
www.LifeGoesOn.net
Henry Velez / ~EnricoSuave
Copyright 1999; all rights reserved.
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To
Love Yourself!
"IT IS REWARDING
to find someone you like, but it is essential to like yourself. It is quickening
to recognize that someone is a good and decent human being, but it is
indispensable to view yourself as acceptable. It is a delight to discover
people who are worthy of respect and admiration and love, but it is vital
to believe yourself deserving of these things. For you cannot live in someone
else. You cannot find yourself in someone else. You cannot be given a life
by someone else. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the
only one you will never leave or lose. To the question of your life, you
are the only answer. To the problems of your life, you are the only
solution."
~JO COUDERT , American writer
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