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Breaking
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Breakups & Relationship Articles
- Enjoy these articles, all intended to help you get over a breakup and feel
better today!
Rebound Effect
I have observed a particular
painful relationship dynamic. By addressing this dynamic, I hope to prevent
it from happening in your current or future relationships. I call this dynamic
"the rebound effect."
Let's observe this dynamic in action
by looking at a love relationship in progress.
Having been together for a while, a couple
is having problems. The woman finds herself getting less of what she wants
and needs from her partner. She starts to harbor resentment. The man finds
himself more criticized and distances from the woman. The partners seemingly
cannot hear one another. They are in the middle of a communication breakdown.
Both feel unheard or misunderstood.
Because the woman has been unhappy, she
has not been acknowledging her partner. There is not much he can do to please
her now, and she tends to criticize him a lot.
The man makes an effort to do some of
the things she has been asking of him. She notices the change, is pleased
about the change, but feels angry and resentful instead of being thankful
for his efforts. After all, why has it taken him so long to start giving
her what she has been asking for?
From the man's perspective, not only
is he not getting approval or acknowledgement for his efforts, but he is
being criticized even more. He becomes confused, frustrated and angry because
the finish line has moved. Eventually he gives up and reverts back to his
original behavior. He dreads being around his partner and having to deal
with her criticism. Both end up hurt, frustrated, angry and wanting to create
distance instead of closeness.
This dynamic is not gender based. The
above example could easily be reversed, the genders substituted and it would
still be valid. Moreover, the rebound effect is not limited to intimate
relationships. It could happen at work, with friends and with family. The
rebound effect is the resentment felt by people who finally get what they've
been requesting for a long period of time. Rather than having feelings of
gratitude for getting what they want, they rebound to resentment over why
it wasn't done sooner.
Both the receiver and the giver obviously
suffer greatly during the rebound effect. Many of you have experienced this
type of frustration and hurt, whether on the receiving or the giving end.
It's a horrible place to be. You have probably sworn this kind of thing would
never happen again in any of your relationships. But unless you understand
this dynamic and know how to deal with it, it most definitely will happen
again.
Below are some strategies to deal with
the rebound effect.
If you have finally gotten what you have
been asking for:
--------------------------------------------------------
Be aware that as you start to get what
you have been asking for, the rebound effect will likely kick in. Instead
of feeling grateful, you may start to feel angry and resentful because it
has taken so long to get what you wanted. Accept your feelings of anger and
resentment. But rather than overwhelming the giver with your emotions, talk
them out with your friends or journal.
Express gratitude for whatever it is
you have finally gotten. Realize the giver needs acknowledgment, approval
that he or she is doing something right, is doing something good and significant
for you. If you do not thank and acknowledge the good, the person will have
no reason to do anything good for you again.
If you must share some of the rebound
emotions you are experiencing, share them in the past tense, always using
"I" statements. "When my needs were not getting met, I felt very
hurt/unloved/neglected/unappreciated, etc."
If you have finally given what has been
requested:
-------------------------------------------------------------
If you have tried unsuccessfully to meet
someone's needs, or have not tried at all, expect the rebound effect when
you finally do meet his or her needs. Expect the person to feel angry and
resentful toward you for a while, instead of feeling gratitude. Meet his
or her needs without looking for acknowledgement or approval. Approve of
yourself, know you did good without external validation.
Allow anger and resentment, expressed
appropriately. Let the person speak these feelings until she or he is done.
Acknowledge the feelings, which means listening and sympathizing without
excuses or explanations. She or he is trying to get complete about the past.
Reassure her or him that you would not allow the past to repeat itself in
this relationship. If you let her or him get complete, and anger and resentment
will turn into appreciation.
If you are in a relationship that is
actively in this dynamic, please start using this information now. And remember,
the rebound effect does not have to destroy your relationship. It can be
temporary if you follow the above suggestions.
Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries /
www.WhatItTakes.com
(c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2001. This article
was originally published by Rinatta Paries in the Relationship Coach Newsletter,
one of many relationship resources found at
www.WhatItTakes.com. Other highlights
include relationship advice, quizzes, relationship coaching and classes.
Become a True Love Magnet(TM)!
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To
Love Yourself!
"IT IS REWARDING
to find someone you like, but it is essential to like yourself. It is quickening
to recognize that someone is a good and decent human being, but it is
indispensable to view yourself as acceptable. It is a delight to discover
people who are worthy of respect and admiration and love, but it is vital
to believe yourself deserving of these things. For you cannot live in someone
else. You cannot find yourself in someone else. You cannot be given a life
by someone else. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the
only one you will never leave or lose. To the question of your life, you
are the only answer. To the problems of your life, you are the only
solution."
~JO COUDERT , American writer
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