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Need for Validation
`````````````````````
Defination of Validation: To declare
or make legally valid; to mark with an indication of official sanction; to
establish the soundness of. Synonym is confirm.
~Source: The American Heritage®
Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition
`````````````````````
We all have
a need for validation, a need to know that a job was well done, or that we
are attractive, valued, wanted. However, some people have a particularly
high need for such affirmation, validation. Do you?
If after reading this article you realize
you have a high need for validation, you'll walk away with ideas to help
quench your thirst for it. Or if it turns out you do not require a lot of
validation from others, use this information to identify those in your life
who do and how you can help them with their need.
A high need for validation originates
in childhood, when a child does not get enough attention or does not feel
valued. The child then grows up seeking that attention as an adult. People
with a high need for validation pay an enormous social price. For example,
do you experience any of the following:
=> People tend to shy away and think
you are self-centered.
=> People tend to feel uncomfortable
around you without knowing exactly why.
=> You attract others who have the
same need.
=> You don't attract trustworthy
people/partners.
=> You work hard to build up your
partner so that she / he can validate you.
=> You spend a lot of energy deciding
who you should be for others, rather than being yourself.
=> People take advantage of you or
do things to you that make you feel uncomfortable.
=> You tend to feel
needy.
To confirm whether you do indeed have
a high need for validation, see how many of the following statements describe
you. Do you...
=> Feel sad when you are not the center
of attention?
=> Present yourself in a way that
calls attention to you immediately?
=> Make sure that you are the main
topic of conversation?
=> Cheat on your
partner?
=> Overachieve in your career at the
cost of taking care of yourself?
=> Choose people who you feel are
less than you as partners?
=> Try hard to get people to like
you?
=> Feel uncomfortable setting boundaries
and saying no?
=> Feel better when with company and
worse when alone?
Unfortunately, your own need for validation
can never be adequately satisfied by anyone but you. To completely meet your
need for validation, you must first validate yourself and then ask others
to do the same. Here are some specific steps to help you fulfill your need
for validation:
=> Learn to be there for yourself,
talk to yourself or journal. Rather than trying to get your needs met by
others, make it clear that you approve of yourself. Have gentle, nurturing,
approving conversations with yourself. See yourself for the wonderful being
that you are.
=> Treat yourself well. In our fast-paced
world, self-care is possibly the last thing on your mind. Yet, the less you
take care of yourself the more you will need validation and attention from
others.
=> When feeling needy, take time to
yourself. As easy as this may sound, it's not a natural instinct. After all,
the last thing a needy person wants is to be alone. However, private time,
self talk and self care go a long way to helping you feel less
needy.
=> Ask trusted others to meet your
needs. Figure out exactly what you need in order to feel validated. Ask safe
people to say/do the behaviors that will fill your needs. This gives you
the validation you seek, while giving others an opportunity to contribute
to you.
=> Learn to see validation and approval
all around you. It is often said that whatever we are trying to prove we
can find the evidence for. If you look for evidence that you are important
and loved, you will find it as easily as finding the evidence that you are
not. There is a constant inflow of attention and love if you know how to
look for it. Stop trying to covertly create validation and notice that you
already have it.
Good luck!
Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries /
www.WhatItTakes.com
(c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2001. This article
was originally published by Rinatta Paries in the Relationship Coach Newsletter,
one of many relationship resources found at
www.WhatItTakes.com. Other highlights
include relationship advice, quizzes, relationship coaching and classes.
Become a True Love Magnet(TM)!
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